A couple of days ago, I asked for other writers to contribute to my blog. I want to turn my blog into be a voice of moderation among all the online polarisation that is going on in Bahrain. Well, I got my first contribution, by Dr. Mohamed Mustafa, a frequent reader of this blog. Thank you Mohamed for sharing so openly and honestly. God bless.
– Suhail Algosaibi
Its been seven months and two weeks since February 14th 2011. The day my life, my country, my home, irreversibly changed. Seven and a half months of fighting. Seven and a half months defending. Seven and a half months of hate, of sadness, of worry, of hope. Its been a frightening roller coaster, and I have a feeling the ride isn’t even half way through.
It has been seven and a half months of mixed emotions. There were days where I was filled with rage, rage at watching people destroy my country, rage at reading the lies and twisted truths in the media. There were days, particularly the early days, of fear. Fear that we’ve lost our country, fear for my life and my families lives, fear that violence will escalate to a level of no return. Fear that this country will burn to the ground with hate and civil war. There were days when I felt hopeful, hopeful that this can be fixed, that its not too late, that there’s a solution. There were days of pride and patriotism, and love. Love for this country, for my home; for the highways,alleys, beaches, schools I’ve grown up in. For the people I’ve known all my life. There were days of hate, hate for those who did this and continue to do everything in their power to take my home from me. But there were also days where I felt a little more forgiving. I wanted to forgive and forget, but it never lasts. Every time I try to forgive and start a new page, something always happens, a protest, an attack, something, that makes that glimmer of forgiveness in my heart disappear.
It breaks my heart, BREAKS MY HEART, to see what Bahrain has become now. There are cops everywhere on the streets. There are rioters clashing with cops every night. The smell of tear gas has become a normal everyday thing. If you look up, chances are you’ll see a helicopter in the sky, keeping an eye on things. And somehow, at some point during the last seven months this became ‘normal’, like its there, and its ok, like we’ve gotten used to it. It SHOULD NOT feel normal! When the hell did that happen?? I want my country back. I want things to be the way they used to be. To feel safe. To feel the stability and comfort I felt.
Recently its all gotten to me. I think I finally broke after months of dealing with the hate, fighting back the lies, seeing how evil and vindictive humans can become when they have a cause. I feel like a loved one died and I’m trying to grieve and move on but I can’t. Its hurts so much. A kind of hurt that eats deep down in your soul. Yes, I smile, I laugh, I go to work, I live, but …I’m sad, really sad, like there’s this dark gloomy cloud above me that follows me everywhere I go. I feel an ache in my heart that won’t go away. A sadness, a constant worry, a constant feeling of ‘impending doom’, and I don’t know how to make it go away. I don’t know how to make things better. Sometimes I’d be sitting with people or doing something normal like having a meal or watching TV, and all of sudden I have this urge to cry. The tears are in the corner of my eyes, but I don’t dare let them flow, lest someone see this weak side of me. I just want to sit down in a dark corner alone and cry my heart out. I know it doesn’t help or make anything better, but I don’t care. But I don’t let myself do that. I try to fight it and lift myself up. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I don’t know if its normal to feel this way, I don’t know how long it will last, I don’t if I or Bahrain will ever go back to being normal again. I like to believe we will recover. I’m adamant to not give in to this sinking feeling of hopelessness.
I don’t know what to do, but I’ll try.
Mohamed Mustafa is a 29 year old Doctor who occasionally blogs about Medicine and politics. You can follow him on Twitter @MoMustafaMD.